BLUES RULES

 

1. Most Blues tunes begin, "Woke up this morning."

 

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick

something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest

face in town."

 

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find

something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in

town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and weighs 500 pounds."

 

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch;

ain't no way out.

 

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel

in Volvos, BMWs or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a

Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor

pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.

So does fixin' to die.

 

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the

Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if

you shoot a man in Memphis.

 

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in

Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis

and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the

blues in any place that don't get rain.

 

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern

baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg

cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

 

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.

Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

 

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway

b. jailhouse

c. empty bed

d. bottom of a whiskey glass

 

Bad places:

a. Ashrams

b. gallery openings

c. Ivy League institutions

d. golf courses

 

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an

old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

 

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you're older than dirt

b. you're blind

c. you shot a man in Memphis

d. you can't be satisfied

 

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth

b. you were once blind but now can see

c. the man in Memphis lived

d. you have a retirement plan or a trust fund

 

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot

sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Wille Nelson has for years.

 

14. If you ask for water, and Baby gave you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. wine

b. whiskey or bourbon

c. muddy water

d. black coffee

e. orange driver

f. tequila

 

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. mixed drinks

b. kosher wine

c. Snapple

d. sparkling water

e. kool aid

f. tang

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed

in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric

chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a

Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

 

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie

b. Big Mama

c. Bessie

d. Fat River Dumpling

e. Belchin' Bertha

f. Cuddlin' Coochie

 

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe

b. Willie

c. Little Willie

d. Big Willie

e. Slick Willie

f. Lightnin' Lenny

 

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn and Rainbow can't sing the

Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

 

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

 

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe

not "Kiwi.")

 

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the

blues. And you thought you were home free! Think again.