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1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If you've managed to lift it up, gravity is on your side when it comes to putting it back down.
2. Sometimes, we are not thinking about having sex.
3. "I ate it, didn't I?" is not considered praise.
4. Your responsibility for raising children does NOT end at conception.
5. Get rid of your comb-over. It's not different -- it's just as ridiculous as every other comb over. You're losing your hair -- face it.
6. An order of takeout ribs and a Chris Farley movie is not everybody's idea of a good time.
7. "Yeah yeah, you look fine" is not a compliment.
8. Yes, I DO tell my best friend everything.
9. You have enough ballcaps.
10. You have too many t-shirts.
11. You're too old to wear a goatee.
12. Every actor we find attractive is not gay. You can stop using this one -- we've all heard it.
13. A hug is not always a prelude to sex.
14. When we ask "are you listening," we already know you're not.
15. Your best friend is an idiot.
16. Nothing says "I love you" like offering to go to the grocery store.
17. If you can rebuild the carburetor on a '66 Mustang, working the washing machine should be a snap.
18. Yes and no are sometimes acceptable answers -- grunts and blank stares are not.
19. A sore back that prevents you from doing household chores for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
20. Underwear is like a car. After five years, it needs to be replaced with a newer model.
21. A romantic weekend getaway does not involve baiting a hook.
22. Slapping us on the butt and saying "how bout getting me a cold one" is not foreplay.
23. The missionary position is best left to missionaries.
24. Rolling over and mumbling "I've got to get some sleep" does not produce an afterglow.
25. If it was really good for me, you wouldn't have to ask.
My wife and I have the secrets to make a marriage last. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant; a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Fresno and mine is in Atlanta.
I also take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She replied, "Somewhere I haven't been for a long time!" I suggested, "How about the kitchen!"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me "in the lake."
My wife is on a new diet - coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY can she climb a tree now.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in".
